Transitions

Enjoying the Ride of the Roller Coaster of Life

by Harriet Meyerson

I was only ten years old when I experienced my first major transition in life. I was a shy, quiet child and had felt secure with my grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins living in the same city - many within walking distance from where my parents, my brother and I lived in a large house in the Bronx. Then I found out that we would be moving to Dayton, Ohio because my father was having a career change. Instead of traveling and only being home on weekends as he had done all of my life, he would now be home every night. It was a major career change for my mother as well as she had owned and operated a nursery school in our home and now would be leaving her school in the care of someone else.

It was a cold December afternoon when our train pulled into the station in Dayton. We disembarked with an array of suitcases, boxes, and a large carton with windows cut into it for our cat. We were exhausted as we had been on that train for thirteen hours. We didn't have the money for airfare or for a sleeping compartment on the train so we had tried to catch some sleep on the seats in the coach car. We took a cab to our rented home and settled into our new life. My brother and I started going to a new school. We didn't know anybody there and the people seemed different. One of the most difficult adjustments for me was that we had moved from a working class neighborhood where none of my friends had extra money, to one where the children came from fairly affluent homes. As they counted their cashmere sweaters, and I had none, I felt very inadequate. I missed my old friends and family. It was a struggle for me but eventually, I did make some friends and adjusted to my new home.

If you have children talk with them about the challenges they might have with the move or career change. Children need to share their mixed feelings of fears, apprehensions, and also excitement about what's going to happen. They need to plan ahead for how this will affect their lives as well.

Going to College

Leaving home and high school for college was another major transition and my first career change. I had lived at home with a set of rules, and suddenly, there were no rules, and there was very little structure. I moved into a dormitory room with two other freshmen. I had to learn to live with others and structure my time between classes, study, taking care of myself, a part time job, and socializing. I wasn't very good at it and spent many a night burning the midnight oil writing a paper that was due the next day or studying for an exam that I had known about for weeks.

Does your transition mean that the structure of your day to day living will be changed? How are you going to deal with too many rules, or too much freedom? Do you work best with lots of structure or do you need flexibility?

Marriage and the Army

After graduation I got married and after the first year my husband enlisted in the army with a six year commitment. We then had to learn a whole new way of life - army life. Both my husband and I had lived close to our parents all our lives. Now we would be going across the ocean to Hawaii for a whole year and after that we didn't know where we would be sent. How would our parents take this news? Should we even do this?

How is your transition going to affect your parents or other loved ones? You need to keep them informed and assure them that you will still have a close relationship. Here's what we did. Because of the time difference between Ohio and Hawaii it was awkward to call on the phone, so we bought each set of parents a tape recorder and recorded audiotapes which we mailed to them. They each came to visit us once during the year.

Army life was like living in the now popular, gated community. There was the security of going through a gate each time you went on to the post and there were many rules you had to follow. The community, although constantly moving, was very close. I'll never forget our first day living in post housing. The moving truck was in front of our house and the moving men were carrying in our boxes when one neighbor appeared with cookies. Another neighbor brought lemonade, and another brought over a cake she had baked. It was such a warm welcome feeling for my husband and I who were so far away from home.

Creating a Sense of Community

While the Army has a community feeling, in the rest of the country people may not even notice that someone new has moved in. It's up to you to create that warm community feeling for yourself in your career change or move. How will you do that?

After being in a communal living atmosphere for six years and having the first two of our children we got out of the Army, which was another transition, and settled down in Dallas. Soon came other transitions. First, my husband opened his medical practice. Then we added a third son to our family. Then there was the mail order business that I started out of my home and nurtured to success. Then there came my interest in personal development and eventually turning over my successful mail order business to someone else because it no longer fit with my mission in life. I learned that transitions involve letting go.

Then, my 84-year-old mother became ill and moved to Dallas - a major transition for both her and my family. Over the next four years her health continued to decline, and I gave her a lot of time and attention until she passed away. I learned again that transitions involve letting go.

Then my children grew up and left home to find their way in the world, and I learned once again that transitions involve letting go.

We all have to let go of something to make room for something else. It's like letting go of one side of the swimming pool in order to swim to the other side. We do not always know if the other side will be better than the side we are on now. Sometimes we just take the risk, and sometimes we are forced into it. What do you have to let go of in order to move on?

Whether its a move, career change, or change in family status such as prolonged sickness, death, divorce, marriage, transitions are as much a part of life as the changing weather. If we expect that the weather will change, then instead of crying out "Why is it raining on me?" we will plan ahead for the possible cold fronts, heat waves and tornadoes that might occur - and so it is with life. So here is my three-step plan for smooth sailing in stormy weather.

Step one - Have a support network

Develop a network of supportive friends, family and professionals and keep in touch with them on a regular basis. Your network creates the security of strong relationships and becomes your safety net to safely get you through the inevitable transitions of life. Even if you are moving out of town, your network is only a phone call or an e-mail away. To help you realize the necessity of a network and to help you form one I recommend reading Harvey Mackay's book, "Dig Your Well Before You're Thirsty."

Step Two - Plan Ahead

If you are making a career change spend some time observing in the new company you plan to work for. Get acquainted with the people you'll be working with. Research as much as you can about the company ahead of time so that you can be more realistic in your expectations. When your first day finally arrives you'll already feel at home, and the transition will be much smoother. However, even with advance planning sometimes things don't work out so it's best to have a reserve of money put away just in case.

If you are making a move, call the local chamber of Commerce for information. If you have children check out the schools. Ask your doctor, dentist, accountant, lawyer, Realtor, minister or rabbi for referrals. Open a local bank account and get checks printed. Find out if there are chapters of organizations you belong to in your new city. If at all possible, take the family on a pre-move exploratory visit so that they will feel included and be supportive.

Step Three - Have a Positive Attitude

How you look at things can make life a struggle or a dance. Look on your transition as an adventure and an opportunity for growth and meeting new people. For a positive perspective on change and how to deal with it I recommend Dr. Spencer Johnson's book, "Who Moved My Cheese?" It will help you look for the positive in the midst of the chaos that often accompanies change. I, personally, think the best way to have a positive attitude is to find something to be grateful for every day. Write a gratitude list that you can keep adding to each day, and read it whenever you feel depressed or overwhelmed. It's amazing how focusing on what you are grateful for can bring joy and happiness into your life and make your transitions a lot easier.

So if you will remember to take these three important steps: First - create a strong network, Second - plan ahead, and Third - look at the positive side of your transition, you will not have to fear change, and you will also create a life that's not only full of adventure but also combined with serenity.

By Harriet Meyerson, president of the Confidence Center in Dallas, Texas.

Harriet Meyerson works with companies that want to build employee confidence and improve employee morale. E-mail Harriet@ConfidenceCenter.com